Larry Page’s $173 Million Panic Buy

Welcome friends, to another episode of “Lifestyles of the Rich and Fleeting.” Today we are discussing the heart-wrenching struggles of Larry Page, the co-founder of a tiny, obscure startup—Google—who has been forced to make difficult sacrifices in the face of abject poverty.

It turns out that the sunny state of California had the audacity to propose a ballot initiative that would impose a one-time, 5% tax on the assets of billionaires. I know, try to hold back your tears. This tyrannical proposal would retroactively apply to anyone who was a resident as of January 1, 2026. Faced with the threat of contributing slightly more to society, Larry did what any rational panic-buyer would do: he fled to Florida and spent $173.4 million on two houses.

That is right, to avoid losing money to the government, he decided to “save” it by lighting nearly two hundred million dollars on fire in the Miami real estate market.

Now, let’s talk about these humble abodes. In December, Larry dropped $101.5 million on a waterfront compound in Coconut Grove. But apparently, a hundred-million-dollar home just doesn’t offer the legroom it used to. So, on January 5th, he bought a second property nearby for a bargain bin price of $71.9 million.

But here is the true tragedy of this story, and I hope you are sitting down. These two homes are not even next to each other. They are a four-minute drive apart. Can you imagine the logistical nightmare? Larry has to get into a car and drive four whole minutes just to get from his main living room to his backup living room.

The first house, the expensive one, sits on a 4.5-acre lot and has a gym, a spa, and a pool with a waterfall, which sounds livable if you have low standards. But the second house, which he bought from the heiress to a fossil fuel fortune, is really just there to fill a gap. You see, the first mansion—despite costing over $100 million—doesn’t actually have water frontage. It’s practically a landlocked prison. The second house, however, is on a corner lot with water on two sides. So, essentially, he spent $72 million buying a hallway to the ocean.

Larry is not alone in this desperate exodus. His co-founder at Google, Sergey Brin, is also rumored to be shopping for a safe haven in Miami to escape the California tax collectors. Agents in Miami are absolutely buzzing, claiming that the big selling point for these billionaires is “walkability”. Yes, because when I think of a man worth $270 billion, I picture him strolling down the street to grab a soft serve ice cream with the locals.

These poor tech moguls are in such a rush to escape the proposed tax that they are buying everything in sight. One agent noted that these clients are “in a hurry” and they are “all looking at the same houses”. It is basically Black Friday for people who own superyachts.

So, let’s all take a moment to send our thoughts and prayers to Larry. He has moved his family office to Delaware and another business entity to Florida, all to ensure his net worth remains safely in the eleven-figure range. We can only hope that between his two mansions, separated by that grueling four-minute commute, he finally finds the peace—and the tax breaks—he so clearly deserves.